i hate my husband after having a baby

What I see clearly in my counselling practice (and with the clarity of personal hindsight) is that mom-rage or that shockingly nasty inner dialogue is often a result of unmet needs, and an unsustainable amount of responsibilities weighing on you. Research shows that most couples relationship satisfaction tanks for a few years after kids enter the picture. Remember: youre on the same team and you should be working with each other to make this marriage stronger despite outside stressors. Why do I hate my husband or partner after having my baby?. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. I am so happy you found us! For more information, please see our Lachlan Brown If hes willing to do it, give him a hand with his diet and establishing a regular exercise routine. Wait a sec! Lets find a way to make things better. First, at 4 months PP I was a MESS. Im 4 months pp and every day is still very hard. In fact, it's so common, that a lot of people think it's inevitable and acceptable, John Gottman told the American Psychological Association. Disclosure: This post is brought to you by the Hack Spirit review team. I took showers with him in the bathroom in his highchair, I brought him in to poop, he nursed constantly. These small bursts of anger or steadily-growing resentment add up over time. Baby flipped breech during the 38th. Anytime I tried to impress upon him the gravity of what he did, he would say well luckily nothing bad happened which is his go to response whenever hes fucked up in life. From the moment he was born my husband has been showing his incompetence in raising a child. (Why do they do that?) That possibly the division of parenting and household responsibilities isnt feeling fair? The Problem: Sometimes its circumstances, other times its your spouse. One thing that I know for sure, that by not reaching out for help and attempting to mask my thoughts and feelings, I actually made things more difficult and prolonged than they had to be. if he truly cares for you, and the baby he would absolutely help out in any way possible instead of seeing you struggle, trust me pp rage is real and if its getting to a point that you actually hate ur so then you need to seek help. Ugh. If youre truly married to a narcissist, then youre with someone who has spent a lifetime manipulating people for their own needs. The Problem: Its hard to love someone who lets himself go. I was huffing and puffing, sending telepathic messages to my husband (who was all cozy and fast asleep in the next room), expecting him to rush to my side with a hand mop, natural floor cleaner, and gallons of sympathy in hand. In fact, 67% of all relationships take a hit in the first year postpartum. You can ask for understanding and compassion on their behalf instead of letting them deal with your frustrations on your own. But for whatever reason, he doesnt see or treat you as an equal anymore. Most of the time, women dont always understand how something so pure can turn into something so disdainful. I just finished your book serenity in the storm it's a great book. Yes, motherhood is challenging, but its also possible to completely transform how this experience feels. A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. I hate my husband. He doesnt take initiative to be a hands on dad and the times he has, he gives up easily and passes the baby right back to me. For finances I would apply for child support, also you can look into government assistance & child benefits. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. He constantly has made stupid and questionable decisions since the baby was born, like swinging him in his car seat or taking him out for a walk in his stroller without buckling him in, wiping his face with dirty dish cloths, leaving him alone on the couch or when he was just a newborn falling asleep with him on the couch despite my repeated pleas not to do that as it's a huge risk, etc, and it seems now he has simply replaced his alcohol/drug addiction with an addiction to buying and selling video games. (FTM) Since having a baby I hate my husband so much I fantasize about getting a divorce and getting away from him. Talk to a physician about how you are feeling. Insomnia in motherhood: 6 reasons why it happens and what to do, Why pregnancy is the perfect storm for anxiety, 25 truths about motherhood women are too scared to admit to their friends. That running narrative that (thank goodness) only we can hear. Yes, motherhood is challenging, but its also possible to completely transform how this experience feels. When I bring up the diarrhea dance, she sympathizes with my frustration. Now he has stopped drinking and I have been very clear that if he drinks again I am leaving with the baby as I cannot trust his judgement while under the influence of alcohol/drugs. My husband has utterly ruined my life ( in my eyes). This will be long, I apologize. af Really Good Advice for New Moms - A Satirical Podcast About Parenting jeblikkeligt p din tablet, telefon eller browser . I dont want to divorce him. I never throw things out so i am 99% sure its him, he says its not him. But Im motivated to work on better communicating our feelings in order to model that behaviour for my kids (and,of course,to strengthen my marriage), so Lazarus suggests I explore emotion coaching, a parenting technique that helps children identify their feelings. Last Updated May 10, 2023, 10:58 pm, by The Problem: You look back years before you met your husband and you cant help but wonder how much better your life could have been if you went in a different direction. Establish a mental threshold between the stressors at work and the peace you have at home. 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. Consider the bright side. I've been quoted in Vogue, BBC, CBC, Today's Parent and more for my perspectives in motherhood, and I'm so honoured to support people like you! This is your time to work one-on-one with a professional who has the proper tools to help you navigate your biggest pain points.In addition to working together to help clients cope with the challenges that motherhood brings, I provide mothers with the much needed support, compassion, and empathy they deserve. Ask yourself, is the marriage worth fighting for? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. At the same time, moving forward with an open heart and self-supporting mindset can make motherhood the joy its supposed to be. By Kaitlin Stanford Updated December 23, 2019 Maybe it's the sound of your partner's voice that suddenly gets under your skin, or the way they chew their food with their mouth open. , a jackpot of research for this season of life, found that 67% of couples experienced an extreme drop-off in relationship satisfaction in the first three years of their childs life. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. The difference is that I was separated from the father so I expected to do everything. And lastly, I know that you dont have to just accept the struggle. - Quora. Its quite possibly the biggest change youll ever go through! This includes celebrating the joys and small wins and also bringing mindfulness and compassion to everyday challenges like out-of-control anxiety and postpartum depression that drags down your spirit. Hi! In fact, isolation and lack of support is a leading cause of perinatal mood disorders. The hazy fog of new parenthood is the perfect breeding ground for resentment to grow and fester, even in the strongest of relationships. Which he did, till right before Christmas time when the baby was four months old and going through colic and he convinced himself and me that he could drink and smoke pot responsibly to help take the edge off of the stress of having a colicky baby. A Group Owner is a member that has initiated the creation of a group to connect with other members to share their journey through the same pregnancy & baby stages. Or he does things I feel deliberately to annoy me like playing bongos too roughly on the babys stomach or carrying him around precariously on his shoulders which he knows bothers me. Also Thankfully Im still bleeding and I havent been intimate with him at all. I remember pacing through my house during those never-ending days, anxiety-filled nights and inconsolable moments with our babies where all I could hear was . We have tried, we have gone to several sessions of couples counselling, and I am currently going to counseling on my own but it doesnt feel like Im getting anywhere - nobody will give me any advice on what to do, they just keep saying oh that must be difficult and asking what Im going to do. In fact. Or maybe, like me, it makes you (temporarily, mind you) think "I hate my husband". Having experienced postpartum anxiety myself, I know how painful and disorienting those years can be. Cookie Notice The mindfulness acceptance and compassion tools learned and applied can continue to serve you well beyond the course of therapy and into the parenting journey. Youre fuming because youre holding too much. 2. "In America, there is a . You constantly feel like youre trying your best and yet not quite understanding what he wants from the relationship. I am starting to feel like I would be better off doing it alone if I could afford to have my own place which I cant. Until baby number two arrived, and suddenly there were double the diapers, messes, and mouths to feed. Our first was born vaginally with no issues. What to Expect supports Group Black Opens a new window and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. He can either step up & help with HIS child or hire someone to help you out if hes not going to be making any contribution. Try again. His habit of nitpicking everything you do to embarrass you in front of your friends can pile up. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Maybe seek out a mommy/baby group where you can be with some fellow moms. Both were born prematurely. Without any references on what a normal, healthy relationship looks like, you inevitably turned to these examples and they framed your understanding of relationships. But learning to hate your husband, much like falling in love, is founded on past interactions, intentional or otherwise. It was there when our kids were cranky and hungry. What You Could Do: Dont force it. ), and live according to her own personal set of priorities. Im just, so, tired, I said to my husband, staggering toward the kitchen table and tenderly sitting down. Anecdotally, this feels so common. Its totally understandable if youre struggling right now. Hes turning a year next month & now plays independently for long periods of time, sleeps much better & is just much more loving & fun to take care of. I mean, how could he possibly be tired? So glad youre here. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and Ive spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. my husband still has PTSD and gets scared when I hand him out very chill, very easy, never screams infant baby now. Its not just a feeling, its the reality for most families. He was insensitive regarding your jealousy and anxiety, he lied to you, and now he . It was there at 5:00 p.m. as others work days were coming to a close while mine had no end in sight. I do put him in a little bouncy chair near me when Im washing dishes or washing his bottles but he cries after several minutes. If these issues havent been normalized by those around you, its not because youre the only one dealing with them. Turns out, people told me a lot about having a baby: You're going to be exhausted. She still has needs that are worthy of her energy. I go to bed every night anxious and crying because I know the night shift and next day will continue to be hard. It takes a lot of vulnerability to seek help and to be open to growth. Our cultural push to be the mom-who-does-it-all is so unrealistic and causes a lot of pain. I would like to take time to explore your unique story with you and help you express yourself openly and without judgment as well as to explore your innate abilities to overcome some of the challenges you are facing. Why is my husband so lazy? I had rough pregnancy(gestational diabetes insulin controlled, multiple tests because of heart palpitations, morning sickness, SPD pain)and labor was traumatic c section. According to my husband I am all I asked well maybe didnt ask. Have a convo. The next step is to work with a professional who can provide a safe and comfortable space to work through these struggles. Sometimes understanding that youre not alone alleviates some of the pressure. What You Could Do: Start small. Working with your partner allows you to examine your own take on marriage from an objective point of view. He says he is tired and when I say I'm tired he says I can rest when I need to. and sometimes the baby just screamed, and there was nothing he could do to help him. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. You are not alone, and with the right support, its not only possible, but probable to be the kind of mom who can believe in herself, meet her emotional needs (without the guilt! If hes perfectly happy with the routines of your lives together, he might not understand your disappointment at all, and you cant just keep waiting for him to take your hints. You see his narcissistic demands now more than ever, and after years of acting one way, it feels impossible that hell ever change. Oftentimes, thats just not the case. He comes home from work and goes straight into the shower it makes me angry. In our work, Ill focus on supporting you through the challenges, while also celebrating the positives. Do you resent your husband after baby? Create an account or log in to participate. I give him his pacifier cans make sure hes fed well and everything but he literally cries most of the day if hes not being played with or held. The Problem: At some point along the way, being with your husband stopped feeling like an equal arrangement. Whenever he says something it angers me sooo much with rage and I hate the fact that he asks for affection when Im in so much pain. Home from work and goes straight into the shower it makes me angry dont have to just accept struggle., other times its your spouse hard to love someone who has spent a lifetime people. Possibly the division of parenting and household responsibilities isnt feeling fair all relationships take a hit in strongest. 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